The sight of blood excites me.

23rd May 2012

Post

This is bullshit and I can’t do it. It took a hell of a lot for me to forget about other people, to convince myself that I didn’t need that, and as soon as I manage it, shit happens again. Okay, so when I say ‘forget about people’ that isn’t entirely true, that never happened, I just kind off accepted that nothing would ever come of it and gave up. Which hurt a fucking lot by the way. People never really stop being important to you once they have been.
Anyway, that whole feeling of being second best, being not quite good enough, well that’s all back in this situation and I’m having trouble dealing with it. I see the reasons why, and I understand to a degree, but then part of me thinks - but that could apply to me too? Obviously it’s not the same, but who says I can’t still have feelings for someone I used to want? Cause well, I do, I just don’t let it get in the way when I KNOW there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I’d much rather have someone else than keep doing the same fucking thing over and over, hoping that shit will be different. 
Then there’s the fact that I look like a fucking idiot. ‘Hey Han, what’s the deal with that?’ ‘OH WELL TO TELL THE TRUTH I DONT FUCKING KNOW DUDE’ Like wtf am I? I’ve already been nothing once, and I’m not about to let it happen again. But I can’t explain that, I can’t even talk about that whole thing with getting upset, so how can I make people fucking see why it’s not a good idea to put me in that position again?. I turned into a complete cunt last time, cause I couldn’t deal with things, a jealous mess, and seeing what I had to see every day drove me actually insane. So do me a fucking favour, and stop giving me things to see that are gonna upset me yeah?
Don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do to be honest, I don’t wanna have to be the one to say ‘Well no, this isn’t good enough.’ but I’m considering it, cause it isn’t fucking good enough. Hey, who knows, maybe you’d change your mind if I wasn’t there anymore. Doubt it though.